PLF Oneshot Central
by TheCrackedoutFirebird
Summary: Okay, I changed this bit. It is a collection of oneshots that come to mind, with some, hopefully, will become full fledged stories. Feel free to tell me which ones you like or wouldlike to see beciome a story. Rated T-M,mostly for langauge.
1. Chapter 1: The Epilogue SUCKS!

**WHEN HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS SEE THE EPILOGUE**

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS?"

Harry Potter was staring in disbelief at the large book in his had. Around the corner, the Weasleys plus A Granger entered the room, looking at him with curiosity.

"What's wrong, mate?" Ron asked.

Harry looked at the book in his hand with disgust and passed it to Ron.

"Here. Take a look at what the author thinks is a 'great' ending in the epilogue."

Ron, not one for books, but curious, opened the new Harry Potter book, the Deathly Hallows and quickly found the epilogue. After reading it, his jaw nearly hit the table.

"No fucking way! This is just…ridicules. We aren't even compatible!"

Hermione cocked an eyebrow at the boys.

"What did she pair you two up?"

Ron gave her a disgusted look while Harry faked vomiting before he answered.

"No. She stuck you with Ron and me with Ginny the fan girl."

"Hey!" the aforementioned red head piped up.

Harry gave her a shrug.

"It's true. Hell, you couldn't even put two words together in the first few books if I was nearby."

Ginny opened her mouth to defend herself, but realized it was true and shut her mouth. Hermione, meanwhile had taken the book and read through the epilogue herself and pushed the book away, making a werid face.

"There is no way in hell she thought this was right. All through the series, Harry and I were the ones who were most likely to jump in the bed together and shag all night long. Instead…I get the fire crotch. Not cool."

Ron didn't know what he was supposed to say but simply stayed silent.

"Hey. At least you lived. I died." A cold voice sounded from the doorway.

Harry gave him an annoyed look.

"That's because you're the bad guy, you twit." He told him.

Riddle frowned as he poured himself a cup of tea and sat at the table.

"What about us then? Us dieing makes no sense what so ever." Remus asked as he and Tonks appeared in the kitchen.

A loud crack announced the arrival of certain elf.

"Dobby not likes being dead. Dobby talked to his agent, but agent couldn't fix it." The elf stated sadly as he plopped down on the floor.

Harry sighed.

"It's almost like she let a group of brainless fan fiction writers get a hold of her outline and play with it."

"You mean like him?" Hermione asked, pointing to a man with brown hair, green eyes, a green sweatshirt that had 'USMC' on it, and a pair of blue jeans with black sneakers.

He raised his hands in protest.

"Hey. Don't point any fingers or wands at me. I was rooting for a Harry and Hermione ending. Why do you think I paired you guys together in What If? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go write some more." He said as he left the burrow.

"PFB does have a good point. Not all of them want the established pairings." Fred pointed out.

"Yeah. Poor Yank. He tries so hard to write us a believable British folks, but his American views pops into the story. Bless him for trying so hard." George teased.

"I HEARD THAT! FOR THAT, YOU GET NO ONE IN MY STORY!"

George paled as he closed his mouth and sat down. Meanwhile, Ron was looking at the book in wonder.

"Maybe we can get time turners and go back and fix this mess by making her write the ending the right way."

Everyone looked at him in shock. Ron blinked before turning red.

"What? I do get the good idea once in awhile."

"Maybe while your at it, you can have her rewrite the whole damn series."

Harry looked up and saw Snape and Sirius enter the house as well and had to wonder just how many people could fit into the tiny kitchen.

"I'm with Sevvie on this one. Shit, she had me locked up for twelve years."

Harry sighed and pulled the book over to him as he looked through the epilogue again.

"Who the hell would name their son 'Albus Severus'? That's just stupid."

The Weasleys nodded as Arthur and Molly left to go shopping leaving the crowd in the room when one more being seemed to spring to life out of nowhere.

"Yes. Well…at least your sexuality was known. Apparently, I'm gay. Very confusing since there aren't really any clues." Dumbledore said as he hunted in his pockets for a lemon drop.

Harry cocked an eyebrow.

"Your gay? Huh. I didn't know that. All that time I was in your office, I never would have guessed."

The oldman nodded before he popped the sweet into his mouth and seemed to enjoy the muggle candy as Sirius pulled the book closer to him and read through it as well.

"Now see, this is wrong. Your supposed to have a son named Sirius as well as a James."

"True. Or combined it with James. Make it James Sirius Potter."

Sirius grinned.

"Has a nice ring to it. And why the hell would she pair you with Ginny Weasley. That girl is a fan girl from hell."

"I'm still in the room you know." A rather angry Ginny stated bluntly.

"We know." They answered.

She huffed in annoyance and left the room.

"I had bet that Harry and Hermione would have gotten together. All the evidence fits. Why would she do this? It makes no sense. Hell, she's more like Hermione and all the guys she dated are like Ron, and those relationships never panned out. They all sucked. But the one man she married, he was like Harry. Can anyone explain that please?" Snpe asked.

Albus looked at Snape with curiosity.

"I don't think any one can. And you bet on Harry and Hermione?"

He nodded.

"Yeah. We had a betting pool going. I think the old fraud of a divination teacher won that bet based on this rubbish."

Harry glanced over at Hermione who's jaw was hanging open in disbelief.

"Well…I can safely say I agree with Vegeta8936 'The epilogue sucks.'" Harry stated.

"Who…? Oh…that Naruto Abridged series…right. Well…what are we going to do about this…I really don't want to say book, but I have to." Ron asked, looking at it with disgust.

Harry grabbed Hermione's hand and headed off to the stairs.

"Make my own ending. Come on Hermione. Let's get out of here."

Everyone watched as Harry and Hermione left before looking back at the book. Voldemort poked it with his wand in curiosity before he noticed everyone looking at him.

"What? Any book that is this messed up is clearly and evil artifact. Maybe there is another Dark Lord inside of it." He said defensivly.

"Only you would put your soul in a book. And why are you even here?" Ron asked.

Voldemort shrugged.

"Hell if I know. I think the author is just bored out of his skull and is trying to get some laughs at having me in the same room in a civilized manner."

Albus nodded.

"Yes. It's a cheap way, but if it get's him reviews, he really doesn't mind."

"Egotistical bastard." Ron muttered.

"Anyone notice how quiet it is?" Sirius asked suddenly.

Everyone paused and listened intently all while looking toward the stairs.

"Anyone wanna go take a look?" Ron asked.

Out if nowhere, they heard a pleasure induced scream and looked toward the stairs, pale. It was Ron who spoke up.

"Yeah…how about those Cannons…?" He was cut off by another scream, this one of Harry's name.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Voldemort muttered as he headed outside to get some fresh air, his face paler than usual.

"I'm going that way." Albus muttered, pointing to the door.

The rest of the kitchen followed him outside, taking the book with them. They decided to have a cookout and the book would be the fuel. Unfortunately, the food didn't taste so good. But at least Harry and Hermione finally got together.


	2. Chapter 2: Already There

**Already There**

**(Based on the song of the same name preformed by Lonestar. Note, I have used some of the lyrics from the song. I do not own HP, JKR does and Lonestar owns the song. I'm borrowing them both just for this story that is purely for entertainment sake with no gain for me, other than reviews.)**

Harry Potter sat in his room at the Hotel he was staying at while visiting the American Ministry to speak with their Auror Department head. Harry himself had only been head of the British Department for a little over six months, but he hated it every time he had to be away from his wife and children. He had been married for going on six years and his little princess was already five while his son was three. He smiled softly as he thought of them. He sighed and leaned back on his bed before he remembered the communications mirror he had. It had been one of the gifts that Sirius had given him. His wife had the other one, but neither of them knew if it would work this far apart. Harry rose to his feet and walked to the window, looking out over Washington D.C. and looked at the mirror with wonder.

_"What the hell? It's worth a shot." _He thought as he cleared his throat.

"Love. You there?" He asked.

The mirror activated to his delight and he saw the smiling face of his beautiful wife smiling at him sweetly.

_"Couldn't wait to see me, sweetie?"_ She asked.

Harry chuckled softly.

"Sorry, 'Mione. I just wanted to hear you say you loved me, one more time before I turn in. You know how hopeless I am if I don't hear it."

Hermione giggled at his antics, but before she could respond, he heard a soft giggle from somewhere on the side of the mirror, and made his eyes start to water. Harry quickly rubbed his eyes, removing the tears that threatened to fall. Hermione apparently handed the mirror to his oldest who gave him the same sweet smile her mother had. She had his eyes and dark brown hair. He had already become aware that she had her mother's brains, but his gift for trouble. It didn't help that Ol' Padfoot and Moony seemed intent on making sure the next generation upheld the Marauder tradition. Her voice made him wish more than anything that he could be home with them right now.

_"Daddy, when you coming home?" _Lilly Jane Potter asked him.

Harry smiled warmly at his little girl as she waited patiently. That she seemed to get from her mother. Harry paused before he answered her.

"I'm already there, baby. Take a look around you. I'm the sunshine in your hair, the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind and I'm your imaginary friend. And I know I'm in your prayers. So I'm already there." He explained to her.

She smiled back at him.

_"Still don't mean I don't miss you Daddy." _She pointed out.

Harry chuckled again before her image was replaced by Hermione giving him a sad smile.

_"I really miss you Harry. Don't worry about the kids, they'll be alright. Wish I was in your arms, lying right there beside you. But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight. And I'll gently kiss your lips and touch you with my fingertips. So turn out the light and close your eyes, Harry." _She whispered into the mirror.

"I'm already with you Hermione. Just think about it. I'm the beat in your heart and I'm the moonlight shining down. We may be a thousand miles apart, but I'll be with you wherever you are, babe." He told her, giving her an affectionate smile.

She nodded her head, still looking at him with longing.

_"I know, Harry. But I still miss you fiercely. And I have some news for you too."_

Harry gave her a curious look.

"What's that?" He asked.

_"Number three is on the way."_

Harry paused for several moments before his face split into a wide grin. Harry may not be the quickest wizard around, but he was nowhere as slow or dense as Ron Weasley.

"I love you so much, 'Mione."

_"I know. I love you to, Harry. Now, get some sleep, honey. Quicker you finish up there, quicker you'll be home with us."_

Harry let out a yawn before he sighed.

"Fine. Good night love. Tell Lilly and James good night from me as well, even though I'm curios as to why they are up so late."

Hermione frowned.

_"You can thank Padfoot for that one. He figured it would be funny to give them chocolate this late. But don't worry about that. The sugar rush has disappeared so they should be drifting off to sleep soon. Like you should be."_

Harry knew better than to argue with his wife.

"Okay. Night Love. I'll be home soon."

_"I know. You two have something you want to say to Daddy?"_

_"Yes mummy." _He heard them respond.

The image of Hermione was replaced by the children. James grinned at him and Harry saw the resemblance his son had to him, except for his eyes. He had Hermione's eyes and her brown hair.

_"Goodnight Daddy! We love you!"_

Harry fought back tears as he smiled at them.

"I love you both too. Now off to bed, little Marauders. You need you sleep.

They agreed and headed to bed when Hermione reappeared, looking at him sternly, though failing not to smile.

_"Harry James Potter. Stop delaying and get some rest. Now. I will talk to you in the morning. Sleep well, Love."_

"You too, 'Mione."

The pair signed off and Harry was finally able to drift off to sleep, dreaming of his wife and children and ways to get Sirius back for giving Lilly and James sugar so late.

* * *

I decided to put all my ideas here. Some of them will just me oneshots, while others are ideas for stories that come to me. Tell me what you think. Oh, and I had fun with this chapter, and I hoped you enjoyed it.


	3. Chapter 3: The TALK

This came to me at work. I have no idea why or how, but i just rolled with it. I have to admit, it is pretty funny. Remember to review.

* * *

The Talk

Harry looked around the room in curiosity. Next to him, Ron was looking confused as well. Harry nudged him with his elbow; making said red head look over at him.

"Any idea what this is about?" He asked.

Ron shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't have a clue. What confuses me even more is why Malfoy, Neville, and Sirius are here as well."

Harry glanced around and saw a few more people than Ron noticed.

"Not to mention Dumbledore, Snape, the Twins, and…Voldemort?! What the bloody hell are you doing here?" Harry asked in confusion.

Said Dark Wizard gave him a shrug.

"I really don't know. I thought maybe you knew."

Harry shook his head.

"No. And I take it none of you know why either?"

All the males present shook their heads. Harry looked back at the front of the room.

"This is damned peculiar." He muttered before the door opened.

In stepped Remus and Ollivander who both took their place in the center of the room. Both men looked out over the crowd and nodded.

"Well, thank you all for coming. In my year of teaching at Hogwarts, I noticed several things lacking, and while I cannot change them, I can change this. Tell me…who knows where babies come from?" Remus asked.

"Dark Magic?" Voldemort guess, making everyone look at him funny. "What? They look like I did before I was revived."

"Excluding the idiot, who else wants to guess?" Remus pushed on.

"Umm…a potion?" Snape asked.

"The Greater good?"

"Stores!" Sirius shouted.

"I haven't the foggest idea." Draco answered.

"Hospitals!" Gred and Forge shouted in unison.

"Summoning." Ron looked confident in his answer.

"Gardens."

Harry shrugged his shoulders while Remus palmed his face and Ollivander just shook his head in disbelief. After a moment, Remus managed to compose himself.

"Well, you're all wrong. You see, none of you have had The Talk. And now, I find I must do this. Mister Ollivander here as agreed to help with this discussion. He will deal with the more technical aspects and I will deal with the generalization. Now, to start."

Remus paused and tapped his chin thoughtfully before starting.

"You see, when a man likes a woman, the man begins to experience weird things. He starts to think of certain things and his body begins to react in ways he is not familiar with."

Dumbledore raised his hand and Remus pointed at him.

"Wait…does this mean the weird feelings I've been having about Minnie means I like her?"

Remus' eyebrow twitched.

"As weird as that sounded and as much as I don't want to know what kind of feelings, not necessarily."

Dumbledore nodded and kept his mouth closed.

"Now…as your body begins to react, you want to do things with her. It starts with kissing, but…then you want to do more. And you start to want to have…sex with them."

"What's sex?" Snape asked.

"Are you kidding me? You're a grown man! You don't know what it is?" Ollivander asked.

Snape shook his head sheepishly.

"For the love of…Okay. Sex is a biological action in which…"

(AFTER A LENGTHY EXPLINANTION AND SERVERAL ANOTOMICALLY CORRECT SOCK PUPPETS THANKS TO MR. OLLIVANDER)

Harry looked at them with shook that everyone else had. Finally, Dumbledore spoke up.

"Yep. I like Minnie."

"TMI!" Malfoy shouted, hands clasped over his ears.

Most everyone looked disgusted as Remus tried to avoid throwing up.

"Okay…so…who has a question?" Ollivander asked.

Harry raised his hand.

"What do you mean 'erection?'"

"Well…you know what I say…the wand chooses the witch in this case. You see…"

(AFTER ANOTHER DESCRITPTION AND THE SOCK PUPPETS AGAIN)

Harry looked pale as Ollivander put his sock puppets away.

"Does that answer your question?" He asked,

"Yeah. I'll never look at it again the same way." Harry muttered.

There were several nods in which Sirius was blinking in confusion as he looked at the two.

"Wait. I already know about this stuff. Why am I here?"

"Cause you abuse the actions. With great pleasure comes great responsibility."

Sirius snickered.

"You said come. OUCH!"

Remus gave a smug smile as he smacked Sirius in the back of his head. He walked back in front of the room and gave a serious look.

"We must also warn you. Women have a few days in a month when they are very hormonal and needed in _that_ way. With proper stimuli, they can be almost raving. Not all are like this, but be warned if you happen to get a girl that is."

Ollivander nodded.

"Well. It's time to see how the girls fared."

Harry leaned over to Ron.

"If what they said was true, then I'm head over Heels for Hermione. She has all those effects on me."

Ron nodded in understanding.

"Same thing with Luna. Should we tell them?"

Before he could respond, the door opened and they got a look at the girls. Each of them was staring at a man of their choice, making them gulp. Hermione had her eyes locked on Harry, Luna on Ron. Ginny was staring at Neville while Daphne Greengrass was eyeing Draco. Tonks was looking at Remus. Katie Bell and Angelina Johnson were eyeing the twins. All of them had lust in their eyes.

"Oh boys. We need you help. We're _very_ needy right now." They coursed.

Harry looked at the guys.

"RUN!" He screamed.

Before they could move, each girl sent a stunner at the man they wanted before levitating them out of the room. Dumbledore smirked and gave McGonagall a high five while Snape and Sirius smirked. Voldemort nodded while Ollivander leaned against the wall.

"All according to plan." They said in unison.


	4. Chapter 4: Last Chance at Life

Yeah, I know. I still haven't updated What If? I'm still working on the new chapter. Anyway, I've been reading a few of these time travel stories with Harry being sent back as part of a challenge by Reptila (Don't know if I spelled it right) and I kinda liked the premise. Here's the bit I do have. ANyway, this one will most definatly become a full fledged story...eventually. I'm going to finish What If? first before I put another one up. Man...I love have this little collection. Makes it so much easier. Anyway, tell me what you think. Enjoy.

* * *

Jonathan Sheppard was having a good morning. His outbox was full and his inbox was empty. His charges were doing well and nothing had gone wrong in the last few weeks. However, his record would sadly be broken. He was just returning from his lunch break when his assistant walked up to him nervously.

"Miss. Engleman, what's wrong?"

"Umm…You have a client in your office."

John blinked in confusion as he ran through his list mentally.

"Odd. No one should have arrived till next Tuesday. Who is it?'

She took a short pause and John knew he wasn't going to like it.

"Potter. Harry Potter."

-x-x-x-x-x-

Harry looked around the room in confusion as he tried to figure out just where he was. Last thing he remembered was fighting Voldemort. He had sent a reducto at the evil bastard that just missed the killing curse that had been aimed at his person. He smirked smugly as he remembered the red beam tearing through his skull. He'd won. He frowned as he realized that the curse had hit. So, was he dead? If so…where was this? His musing were cut short as a door opened behind him. Harry glanced behind him to see a man in his thirties, wearing a dark blue suit and carrying two folders, one somewhat large, the other barely held closed. The man placed the folders down and sat in his chair and gave Harry an angry look for a few seconds before speaking.

"Well…Mr. Potter. I see you've wound up in my office…again. And to answer your questions…Yes. Your dead. Do you like doing this? Making my life harder? Little bastard."

Harry looked sad for a moment before he realized what the man had said.

"Again? What the hell do you mean?"

The man pulled the thicker folder to him angrily and opened it, skimming through a few pages before stopping somewhere in the beginning.

"Let's see….Your first year at Hogwarts you were killed by Ronald Weasley on accident when he pushed you a little harder than he meant to. Filch had to scrape you off the floor at the bottom of the stairs. Second year…You looked into the Basilisks eyes even though the book said it would kill you. ID 10 T error on your part." John gave him a disapproving look at this point. "Third year when you jumped in front of Lupin and your friends when he changed. The claw through the gut taught you how stupid that was. Fourth year…You zigged when you should have zagged and the Horntail had a Harry snack."

Harry shuddered at this remark. John continued.

"Fifth year. I honestly have no idea how this happened, but you tripped and fell into a dementors kiss. Your normally not so klutzy. Sixth year has no entries, thankfully. Your seventh year has two. One…when you failed to remind Wormtail of his life debt to you. And lastly…number seven. You, with your superb reflexes and outstanding skills, failed to dodge a killing curse. Now…normally, we'd send you back and wipe your memory of our little meeting and send you on your way."

Harry saw that he wasn't going to be released as easy as John rubbed his temple briefly before turning his attention back to Harry.

"However, you are a special case. You see, when a client reaches the seventh death, the Reaper in question is given one more chance to get his or her client through their life and to fulfill his destiny. If the client dies again, they get gate duty for a thousand years and never admitted back to the Reaper Corps. I'd rather forgo that, thank you." Harry looked at him apologetically as John continued. "And you sir have just landed me mark number seven. So now I have to take a more active role and get you through this one alive. Now, lets see what fate had intended for you." He said as he opened the second folder.

"Excuse me…but what are those folders you have?" Harry asked.

John kept his gaze locked on the folder in his hands as he answered

"The one I have in my hands is your intended life. Pretty much what Fate had wanted for you, including Destiny's input, mainly for important things that have to happen. The one still on my desk is your actual life. As you can see, it's rather thick. It contains everything, even each of your other deaths that you could have avoid by using that thing between your ears.'

"And just what the bloody hell was supposed to happen?" Harry asked hotly.

"Well…lets see…You were supposed to reach two hundred or so years of age, marry your soul mate, kill that bastard who's been avoiding me, and to pretty much just enjoy life." He said as he set the folder down.

Harry had a few questions, but the first one that he asked was…

"Soul mate? Who is my soul mate?" He asked bewildered.

John looked thoughtful for a moment.

"What was the name Sam gave me? Ranger? Danger? Granger!" He snapped his fingers. "Some Granger girl…I think her name was Shakespearian. Ophelia? No, that's not right….starts with an H. Why didn't I write it down?"

"Hermione?" Harry offered helpfully.

John nodded his head.

"Yeah. That's the one. Hermione Granger. She was _supposed_ to be with you. But, add in a love potion, a few flashes of flesh and your humans lose your damn minds. Tell me, how does a girl who looks like your mother scream 'future wife'?" He asked the 17 year old male in front of him.

Harry had the decency to look embarrassed.

"She smelled nice." He muttered.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Now, on to business. My boss has an offer. His name is Greg, head reaper. Nice guy but he carries a wickedly large scythe and a temper to match. Now, his offer is to send you back, but this time, with all your memories."

"What's that catch?" Harry asked.

"One, get rid of the Weasleys. Specifically, Ron, Ginny, and Molly. All three are not good for your health. Ron will poison you, Ginny will douse you in love potion, and Molly will brew both with out a second thought. So, avoid those three. Arthur, Fred, George, Bill, and Charlie are good to go. Percy is a stupid, stubborn bastard so ignore him."

Harry blinked owlishly.

"Wha…?"

John groaned.

"Fine. Let me break it down. Molly wants you to marry her little princess. She thinks it'll be good for you and the money is a plus. Ron wants to poison you after you marry Ginny so all your fortunes go to the Weasleys and he can be lazy and eat all he can. Molly will brew the love potion for Ginny and the poison for Ron under the assumption it's for summer homework. See?"

Harry felt anger as he took in this information. John flipped a page and read over it before nodding his head.

"Also…dump the old man. He is manipulative and just flat out senile. The less control over you he has, the better it'll be for you."

Harry nodded his head in agreement. He'd seen first hand what John was telling him.

"Also, their brining on another person. His name is Cameron Mitchell from Fateful Mishaps. Corny, I know, but we didn't chose the names of our offices. Now, for your rules…hang on…Ah! Found them. One, no one but the Granger Girl can be told of this. Two…USE COMMON SENSE! And that's it." He said as he closed the folder.

"Wait…why wasn't this offered before? You know, go back with my memories and such?"

"Simple last person who did caused way too much trouble. Stupid bastard enjoyed using the knowledge to his advantage and claimed it was a vision of the future."

"Who was it?"

"You really don't want to know. Greg is still pissed at him. Now, we have to go meet Cam and Sam at the embarkation room."

Harry followed John from the office and through several halls until the came to a room with an attractive blonde with long hair and in her early thirties along with a man with short brown hair, both clad in a green uniform of some sort.

"Samantha Carter, Cameron Mitchell, meet Harry Potter. Again."

"Nice to meet you Harry. I'm Cameron and I'll be back seating this little adventure as an observer for the Fateful Mishaps office."

"I'm Samantha and I'm in charge of the return of those who die prematurely."

Harry looked over at the huge ring with wonder.

"What's that?" Harry asked.

"That, is the device we use to send people back to the living world. In a nut shell, it creates a wormhole through time and dimensions to any point we want. That includes the specified time as well."

"Wicked. So when am I going back?" He asked.

"According to what we have on file, your biggest impact will be your fourth year. Sadly, you'll have to deal with all that bullshit again. But don't worry, you'll be ready for it."

"That and," Sam interrupted with a grin. "You'll be able to take Miss Granger to the Yule Ball this time around."

"You know, it took me a few minutes to remember her name." John stated.

"Why didn't you write it down?" Sam asked.

John decided to change the subject.

"Alright. Now, Harry. We're sending you back with Occlumency already ingrained in you, so your safe on that front. Also, you don't have Voldie in your head anymore. Greg wanted the piece for himself, but for what, I don't know and I really didn't want to ask.. And you get to keep you memories…as soon as you sign this." He said as he produced a small contract no more than three pages.

Harry took it and read through it several times before he looked up at John.

"What do 'reviews' mean?" He asked.

"Simple. I come by and tell you how your doing and maybe drop a few suggestions. And give you any updates from our end."

Harry looked back at the contract and shrugged. What did he have to lose? He took the pen and signed his name before handing the contract back to John who nodded.

"Alright. Everything is in order. Sam, punch it up."

The woman nodded and tapped in commands and with in moments, the ring was active with a shimmering pool of light. John nodded to Harry and the seventeen year old boy took a deep breath before walking into the light. John looked at the other two with a thoughtful look.

"Funny. He's going into the light."

Sam just shook her head while Cameron looked disappointed.

"Is that the best you can do?"

* * *

Yes, I used Stargate Characters so sue me. I figured it would be rather humorous to have Shepard as Harry's personal Reaper with Mitchel helping out as part of Fate. Those two combined will come up with some humorous things for Harry.


	5. Chapter 5: Don't Take the Girl

One shot based upon Don't Take the Girl by Tim McGraw.

* * *

Don't Take the Girl

Eight year old Harry Potter was excited. He and his father, James Potter, were going fishing, something he had been asking to do for a month or so now. It was a tradition that had been started four years ago, and they had went every year. It was a chance for Harry and his dad to just hang out and enjoy a day together. But James had been busy with his job at the Ministry and had to push the trip back a month. So now they were getting ready to leave. Harry glanced at the front door just as James walked out with Lily, who looked at her boys with a small smile. James gave her a quick peck on her lips, promising to call before they got back. Harry, being the eight year old boy he was, made a face, and turned back to the front gate and frowned. A little girl came through the gate, holding a fishing pole. Harry immediately recognized the girl as Hermione Granger, a friend of his from school. He honestly had nothing against her, but this was supposed to be a father/son trip. He belatedly remembered his father offering to take Hermione with them when they had spoken to her parents a few days ago. Almost as if sensing his thoughts, James smiled down at his son.

"I know I promised a father son day, but her parents are out this weekend, and I offered to take her with us." James explained.

Harry looked up at his dad, sulking.

"But why? You said it be just us, like all the other times." He complained as Hermione walked over to Lily to greet the redheaded woman.

James felt a small smile play across his face.

"Son, I know you don't want her to go, but someday you'll understand." James told his son.

Harry shook his head.

"Take Ron Weasley. Take Draco Malfoy. Take my best friend Nev." Harry rattled off. "Take anybody that you want as long as she don't go."

Harry glanced over at Hermione again. Would a girl even know how to fish?

"Take any boy in the world. Daddy, please, don't take the girl." He begged.

James chuckled and ruffled his son's hair.

"Sorry, kiddo. But she's coming, final say." James glanced at his watch before ushering the kids to the car. "Let's go you two. Early bird catches the worm!"

"Or, early person catches the fish." Hermione countered, making James chuckle.

"I think this just may be a great day." James smirked as he put the kids in the car.

-x-x-x-x-x-

_Ten years later…_

Harry and Hermione walked out of the movie theater, his arm around her waist as she leaned into his shoulder. He paused and pulled her tight, kissing her lightly. They pulled apart, Hermione smiling shyly at him. Harry grinned like a goof and took her hand. They hadn't walked more than ten feet before a man in a baggy coat and a sky mask pulled Hermione away by her arm. Harry made to pull her away, but stopped as he pulled a gun out and aimed it at Hermione. Harry knew he'd never get a spell off fast enough to get her to safety before the round went off. Harry ground his teeth as Hermione looked at him, terrified.

"If you do what I tell you to, there won't be any harm. Now, give me all your money." The man demanded.

Harry pulled everything from his pockets, tossing it at the criminals feet.

"Take my money. Take my wallet. Take my credit cards." Harry slowly pulled the gold wrist watch off and tossed it on the ground as well. "Here's watch that my grandpa gave me." It was soon joined by his car keys. "Here's the key to my car. Mister give it a whirl."

The man blinked in slight surprise as he looked at the valuables on the ground as Harry continued to speak.

"But please don't take the girl." He begged the man.

The man kept his gun trained on Hermione as he scooped up all that was offered to him. He nodded his head and shoved Hermione into him, before he took off down the street. Harry held her tightly as she sobbed into his chest.

"I-I'm sorry Harry."

He gently rubbed her back.

"Sh…all that can be replaced. I can buy a new watch, cancel the cards, and get a new car. I could never replace you, Mione." He whispered.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_Five years later…_

Harry was sleeping peacefully before what felt like a bludgeoning hex connected with his stomach. Harry shot up, groaning in pain as his wife of four years sat on the edge, holding her swollen stomach. Harry blinked the sleep from his eyes as he rubbed his own stomach.

"Mione? You okay?"

She looked over to him, pain on her face.

"It's time to go."

Harry caught what she meant immediately and leapt out of bed, pulling on his robes as quick as he could, before grabbing Hermione's overnight bag. He quickly helped her get dressed before they both flooed to St. Mungo's. Harry called for a nurse, who quickly wheeled Hermione to the maternity ward. He then hurried and placed several floo calls, and not even ten minutes later, his whole family was there, along with Hermione's parents. James, Lily, Albus, Hagrid, Minerva, Sirius, Remus, Neville, the Weasleys minus Charlie, Fluer, Tonks, and little Teddy were all present. After a few words of support, Harry followed the healer to the room. Hermione looked to be in great pain and Harry felt a twinge of guilt, but knew it was because of both of them. Harry took his place beside his wife and did what he could to support her. After nearly six hours of labor, several death threats, and an offer for him to carry the next one, their son came into the world, and proving he had quite an extraordinary set of lungs. With tears in his eyes, Harry cut the umbilical cord. The nurse took the newborn to clean him up. The two watched with smiles. But that was cut short as the monitors began to beep frantically. Harry quickly took his wife's hand as she started to breath heavily. Glancing down to the bed, he spotted a growing pool of red and felt his gut clench in fear. Not even two seconds, later, he was ordered out of the room and told to go to the waiting room as the healers began to frantically scan Hermione. Harry slumped into a chair after he had told them what happened. Everyone tried to comfort him, but he kept his eyes locked on the doors to the ward. After what felt like forever, they opened. He rose to his feet as the healer approached him, a neutral expression on his face.

"Well, the baby is fine. But you'll have to leave." He looked to Harry with sorrow.

"What about Hermione? How is she?" He croaked out.

The Healer shook his head.

"I'm sorry Mr. Potter. She's fading fast."

Harry felt his world shatter as he hit his knees. He was never very religious, but at this moment, he looked to the heavens, tears running down his face.

"Take the very breath you gave me. Take the heart from my chest. I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me. Make this my last request."

Everyone watched him sadly as Lily and James tried to comfort the Grangers just as they were trying to hold their own raging emotions in check. Harry hung his head, eyes closed shut.

"Take me out of this world. God, please don't take the girl." He whispered.

Harry refused to leave until he heard anything, simply slumped in a chair, his face a blend of several different emotions as everyone prayed that Hermione would pull through.

"She's too stubborn to die." Ron had told Luna, though he too, was worried.

After what felt like hours, but was only minutes, the Healer returned, blood on his robes, but the smile on his face spoke volumes to Harry. The Healer walked over to him and nodded his head.

"Well, I have good news for you, Mr. Potter. Your wife is going to be fine. We managed to stop the bleeding and have given her a blood replenishing potion. With a few hours of rest, she'll be up and about. Now, would you like to meet your son?" The healer asked kindly.

Harry nodded his head, tears once again flowing, but with happiness. Two minutes later, everyone was staring down at the newest Potter with awe. Harry held his son close and smiled down at him. No one said anything until the Healer returned, letting him know Hermione was up. He quickly moved aside as Harry and the rest headed into the room, young Jonathan Remus Potter cradled by his father.

"Let's go see your mummy, John."

-x-x-x-x-x-

_Eight years later…_

Harry gathered his gear and checked it once more as he and James prepared for their annual fishing trip. Hermione and Lily sat on the front porch, talking amongst themselves, smiling as they watched their respective husbands fight with the rods and cooler, shoving them into the car. Harry wiped his eyebrow and turned to see his son almost running over to them, grinning broadly. Harry chuckled and took his son's pole, placing it next to his and kneeled down to face his son.

"You excited to go fishing with me and Grandpa Potter, Johnny?" He asked.

The boy nodded, his chocolate brown eyes swimming with excitement. Harry ruffled his brown hair before turning to look toward the gate, where a young girl entered, holding a fishing pole. A smile played across Harry's and James' faces as they watched Johnny do the same thing Harry did all those years ago.

"_And Dad was right. I do understand now."_


	6. Chapter 6: A Mind Shattered

AN: Sorry about the huge delay in any updates all. Been a hell of a last few months including a bout of depression that I have gotten over. Updates will come slowly at first, but they should increase n frequency. Thanks for being so pateint. Anyway, this idea has been bouncing around in my head for a while (Idea came from a Deep Space Nine episode in which Captain Sisko had a similar thing happen to him, also a SGA episode where Weir was in a similar situation). I don't know if this will become a full fledged story or not at this point as I have a few I want to finish. As always, R&R.

Harry woke with a start and frantically began looking around his surroundings in panic. Where was everybody? Where was he? And where the hell was Voldemort? These thoughts soared through his head as he tried to figure out just what had happened. From what he could tell, he was bound down on a bed in some plain looking room with manila walls and a single medium sized window with an old radiator under it. Harry slowly turned his head and spotted the only door in the room with what appeared to be a single square opening to allow others to look in to see him. However, it was currently closed.

"What the hell? Where the Hell am I?" He wondered aloud as he looked back up at the ceiling as a single ceiling fan lazily spun overhead.

He was so lost in thought, trying to figure out just what was going on that he almost missed the door opening. He faced the sound of the door and spotted a woman who appeared to be a nurse walking towards him with a hesitant smile on her face. After a moment, he was able to put a name to the face.

"Madam Pomfrey? What…what is going on? Where am I?"

The woman processed shock before a happier expression appeared on her face.

"Oh wonderful. The treatment appears to be working." She happily announced, but then changed track at Harry's wondering expression. "I take it you have no memory of anything prior to waking up?"

Harry shook his head, still confused as to what was happening.

"Don't worry. I'll go get the Headmaster and the Doctor and they will explain everything to you in more detail."

With that said, she hurried out of the room, leaving Harry feeling somewhat better as he would finally get some answers. He didn't need to wait long before the door opened again and in walked Albus Dumbledore and a person who had ruined Harry's life.

"You!" He spat at Tom Riddle, who was indeed the man who had entered with Dumbledore, appearing as he had fifty years ago.

"I see his hostility towards me still is present. Perhaps I should wait outside while you explain everything Headmaster?" Riddle asked Dumbledore.

The Headmaster nodded and Riddle left as Dumbledore took a seat next to the bed.

"Tell me Harry. What is the last thing you remember?" He asked the boy kindly.

Harry leaned back and tried to pull the details up, but it seemed like it was a lifetime ago and a lot of it seemed blurry, almost dream like to him.

"I…I was in the Great hall at Hogwarts. Voldemort and myself were just getting ready for the final showdown. The last thing I remember was our spells smashing into themselves and nothing after that. Then I woke up here. What is going on sir?" Harry asked him.

Albus sighed.

"Harry. I am sorry to tell you this, but what you remember is nothing more than a hallucination brought upon by severe emotional distress." Albus told him.'

Harry frowned momentarily before responding.

"Your saying that the last seven years that I remember have been nothing more than delusions of a shattered mind?" He asked pointedly.

Albus paused before answering.

"Yes and no. When you…had your little spell, your mind took familiar things and added the magic aspect you have been speaking about these last six months and cobbled them together. In essance Harry, you have been classified as clinically insane."

Harry closed his eyes briefly before he responded.

"So what happened? Why am I so disoriented and not seeing things like I was?"

"It is in part because of the breakthrough made by Dr Riddle. He slowly over time began to break you out of your protective barrier you threw up and forcing your mind back into reality. It was a combination of hypnotic treatments along with medication and familiar individuals helping to enforce the fact that your world you created was false." Albus explained.

Harry felt tears well up in his eyes and was silent for a few minutes before he responded.

"So I went crazy, What caused it?"

The answer was not what he expected.

"The death of your parents last year. Your Aunt and Uncle were worried and placed you in our care."

Harry took a deep breath and began his questions.

"So who were some of these people you used in the treatment. Obviously, they would be people I could trust in explicable. So…are Ron and Hermione even real?" He asked with a sense of foreboding.

Dumbledore however, seemed pleased with the progress of the conversation.

"No. They are real." He answered, still happy that everything seemed to be working out just the way the treatment plan should be. "Miss Granger will be most happy that the treatments seem to be working."

"Well, she is my best friend." Harry answered.

Albus frowned and marked down a few notes before continuing the conversation.

"I see. Well. You'll be happy to hear that everything appears to be working. If your progress keeps up, then you'll be out of here soon enough. Now, I believe Dr Riddle wishes to speak with you." He rose from his seat and left as Tom Riddle walked in.

"Well, Harry. You should know that you have come along way in the past month. By my estimates, you'll be back to your old self soon enough." He paused before continuing. "Do you have any questions?"

Harry looked at the man, and tried his best to control his anger at the man, and was surprised that it felt hollow. He sighed and shook his head.

"No Doc. Thanks. I'm sorry if I did anything stupid. Just wish I remembered what the Hell happened is all."

Riddle smiled kindly and rose to his feet.

"Don't worry Harry. We're going to help you. You've already shown amazing progress over the last two weeks. If this keeps going the way it has, you'll be back out with your friends and back in society. I owe you that much Harry." Riddle said as he released the straps on Harry's wrists and ankles.

Harry slowly sat up and rubbed the bridge of his nose briefly before looking back at Riddle.

"Did you know my parents?" he asked.

Tom nodded.

"In passing. Professor Dumbledore was a long time family friend to the Potters. He also took me under his wing when I first started out here. Your parents were good people, Harry. They did so much for the community." He smiled and handed Harry his glasses. "You'll remember them soon enough Harry. Trust me."

With that, Tom left the room as Harry sat in silence, contemplating what he had just learned. Was it possible the last six years had simply been a figment of his shattered mind over the last six months? He had to admit it was possible. But a nasty thought appeared in his head. What if this was a trick by Riddle? Hadn't he been told he was a master of the mind arts? Harry decided that if he kept that train of thought, he would indeed drive himself crazy. He'd just wait and see if anything seemed wrong beyond what could be considered crazy. Harry laid back on his bed. This seemed too real to him to be an illusion, but so did his other life. Maybe once he spoke to Ron and Hermione, he'd be able to figure it out. A small click of his door opening caught his attention and he looked over to see a rather disgruntled man in white looking at him with a tired look in his eyes.

"It's chow time Potter."

Harry almost did a double take before he realized who the man was, at least his name.

"Professor Snape?" He asked tentivly.

The man simply watched him with tired eyes and gestured for him to follow. Harry slowly rose from his bed and followed him to the chow hall where people Harry saw were truly insane. One man was talking to his fork like it was a phone. And a woman was trying to build something out of mashed potatoes. Harry made his way to the table and dropped down at an empty seat and began to eat his food slowly once he got it and kept his gaze looking around the room. Everything just seemed so surreal. He ate quickly as the room made him uncomfortable and left only to run into Albus as he was escorted to the common area by Snape.

"I can take him from here Severus."

Snape simply turned and left. Seems something's were still similar. Harry followed Albus and was surprised to be lead to a room made for family to visit the less insane members. What really shocked him was seeing the Dursleys sitting at the table, looking at him with happiness and concern. Or in Vernon's case, apprehension. Harry sent them a small smile, still wondering just how different they were then how his memories showed. Petunia rose and walked over to him before stopping within arms reach and sent him a hesitant smile.

"Hello Harry." She almost whispered.

"Aunt Petunia."

She seemed to take strength from his recognition of her, and pulled him into a warm hug before pulling back, tears in her eyes.

"Oh Harry. It's so good to hear that you're doing so much better. Professor Dumbledore says you are confused as to what happened, but we can fill you in on that."

Harry nodded and allowed himself to be lead to the table and sat next to Dudley who eyed him almost as if he would bite him.

"What's wrong Dudley? It's only been six months since I saw you last." Harry told him.

"Two months and last time I saw you, you shoved me down shouting expecto something." Dudley told him.

Harry felt embarrassed at this statement and muttered an apology as Vernon grinned slightly.

"Nice to see you're getting better boy. Been too quiet these last few months with you gone. I need my football chum back." Vernon joked.

Harry looked up at him and nodded.

"I'm sorry. I really can't remember anything other than the life I thought I had lived. I really don't know how things were." He replied.

Vernon waved it off.

"It'll come back to you. Now. How are you?" Vernon asked.

Harry shrugged.

"About as good as could be. Looking forward to seeing Ron and Hermione."

Vernon sent him a knowing look.

"I bet you can't wait to see her again, can you?" He chuckled.

Harry was confused by his statement.

"Well, she is my best friend. Wait…is there…is there something going on between us?" Harry asked hesitantly.

Maybe if this was false, it wouldn't be so bad. Petunia and Vernon looked at each other uneasily before Vernon responded.

"Maybe we should just change the subject for now." He suggested.

The conversation went on for thirty or so minutes before Albus returned and informed them visiting hours had come to a close. The Dursleys promised to bring Ron and Hermione around next visit so he could talk to them. Harry bid them farewell and followed Albus back to his room, all the while taking everything in, slowly starting to truly believe that maybe he did go crazy. If that was the case, he wanted to learn about what his life was before hand. The prospect that the world was sitting on his shoulders, was a highly appealing and he liked the feeling of the possibility of a normal life. But something in the back of his head kept him from completely falling for this seemingly perfect life. He had a feeling in his gut and he'd just see what happened…


	7. Chapter 7: Neville

Neville (Based upon MC Chris's song of the same name)

The Great Hall was it's normal self as the feast was going on. It was one year after the defeat of Voldemort and everyone had fallen into the peaceful life after his demise. But that peaceful silence was shattered as music started playing. Everyone looked around as Neville and Harry rose from their seats and stood in front of the Heads table, heads down. Almost as soon as they got there, they began to sing with Harry singing what had to be back up.

"_I am the chosen one no need to hold a gunI take you there like a double Decker bus doesI am a Gryffindor stand up to VoldemortI break it up like it was horcruxes."_

Harry went silent as Neville conjured a microphone out of then air and let loose with a heavy beat and a badass rhyme going on.

"_Loved by the kitchen staff I'm why the Weasleys laughKnow my way around in fact I memorized marauders mapIf you have to ask what it's like and how longs it lastkinda sorta felt like wearing a flaming sorting hatName is Neville I'm a rebel don't worry about detentionDid I fail to mention that my specialties suspensionAs in getting lifted I'm a hippy comes to Hogwarts hookupsI'm the kid you look up when you feel like getting shook upI got cockroach clusters I got them chocolate frogsI got every flavor made by that babe Bertie BottsI got what you want I got what you needI got those wizzy beats so fizzy you say wizard pleaseI'm summoned with a spell cause pagers are prohibitedYou can go to hell if you think my times unlimitedI'll meet you by the willow kid if you prefer the forestJust bring that goblin gold and don't wake Mrs. Norris!"_

The Great Hall watched in stunned silence as Neville and Harry Continued to sing, or more adequately rap in the front of everyone._"I am the chosen one no need to hold a gunI take you there like a double Decker bus doesI am a Gryffindor stand up to VoldemortI break it up like it was horcruxes!""They say that I am lacking and I ain't up to snuffSnapes always on my case cause he secretly sucks!"_

All eyes locked onto the former Headmaster who scowled at Neville.

"_It's hard remembering stuff I think my brain has been wipedLike I might have seen some shit that would scar you for lifeSo they think that I'm a fuck up and it's brilliantly cleverSo many things I can't remember like where's my toad TrevorCan I ask for the password I fear I have forgottenCall me Neville Longbottom I leave every bong rottenLove treacle, Buckbeak elf eye to IrelandMeet me at the one eye'd witch or room of requirementStep back catch a cactus blast of my stinksapChill Dumbledore is down in fact he likes a fat sackIf you want a break from the stress and the studiesHoller at your buddy and I'll make you feel funnyI'm the pudgy Pureblood packin' unicorn powerUp in the highest tower where I fire up my flowers!"_

The two men let the beat of the music sound through the great hall as the students began creating what could only be considered a rave as all of the tables were on their feat, dancing to the music. After several seconds, Neville and Harry launched into the final verse amid the cheers from the student body._"I am the chosen one no need to hold a gunI take you there like a double Decker bus doesI am a Gryffindor stand up to VoldemortI break it up like it was hor-crux-es!"_

The moment they finished, the hall burst into cheers as Susan Bones rushed foreward and pulled Neville into a soul searing kiss, leaving Harry to smirk knowingly as Hermione stepped next to him, smirking as well.

"I see it worked." She spoke.

Harry nodded.

"Yeah. Funny that all he needed was a bit of courage and a use for his ryhmes. I think we just created our worlds next music sensation."


End file.
